I Miss You Dearly

She never showed favoritism to one daughter over the other, as not to cause jealousy or bitterness between sisters. She constantly took us places together-- shopping--so we developed common interests. And when we were teenagers, Mom always punished us equally, giving us yet another bonding experience.

We didn't always get along beautifully and fought just like any other siblings. But somewhere in between Mom's lectures, the family vacations and the shared memories, we realized that our mother was right. Today I share things with my sisters that I do with no one else.

I was reading Chicken Soup For the Soul online today and I saw the above lines - A tribune to Mum. It was exactly what mummy did for us. She did not show favouritism to any of us and I realised, she is my best friend.

Only mummy knows 1 secret that no one else know in my family about me. Now that she passed away, I told papa about it. If I am so comfortable telling her, who is she besides my best friend?

I MISS YOU MUMMY!!!!! WILL I SEE YOU AGAIN???

A Real Sincere Gift and Sacrifice

My Precious Moments

During my graduation in 2000

My 1st birthday

Me with papa and mummy the day before my wedding

Mummy gave birth to 7 of us, the 7 princess to this world. She and papa never ask for anything in return from us except to respect the elder and be a good person. That's all they want.

I know mummy didnt want to "mafan" us, but she gone without given us a chance to be with her. I just want her to rest without suffering now. I will find her when time comes. I love mummy. And I Love her! Papa, I love you as well.



NOTHING can replace my love for them.

Peace in my heart

I feel very peaceful today. Perhaps my entire life, I have never felt like this before.

I am like closing the eyes, gliding in the sky with no worries. My mind is very peaceful today, no worries, and I know I just need to be here, for I am born here.

I am feeling so peaceful because I know I am not afraid to live and I am not afraid to die now. What is there to worry? After all, work is just work. Its over, when I scan my pass at the airgate at this twin towers gate. I only care about people now.

I have decided I will cut down anger, I will be very patient with rude drivers on the road.

For I know when I live, I have papa, darling, sisters, tylia baby, SL and beloved relatives and friends to cherish this with me. If I die, I know I will always be with mummy, coz she must be waiting for me. She told me in the dream, she is waiting for me. :D

Before I die, I want to have children, and I want to see them growing up. If I have twins, it will be double joy, but I wont be greedy. If God give me 1, I am already very thankful. I know more now than raising up children is not easy, they need attention 24-7 and there is no break, no public holiday or time - off. You are the guardian, you are the angel and you shape them. I have not finished this assignment, and I want to fulfill it.

How does it feel to be peaceful?

Flowers... with dew...after the rain...cool wind blowing and you are just sitting there watching the butterflies dancing. And you watch there from the sky.....with your mind in peace. I love this feelings.

Thinking of Mummy

These are flowers from us to mummy and from relatives and friends during her funeral, taken with my camera phone which is a bit out.

I always thought I am ready to accept death and ready to die after what I went through in AW.... but i was wrong! Last nite, I cried again before sleeping because I missed my mummy so much. Call me cry baby, mummy's baby, but I want her!!!

I don't know how is she now, whether she is doing ok? Is anyone taking care of her?Is there enough food? clothes? home? Or she doesnt need all these anymore? I don't know what is life after death. I believe in Buddhism's life, but I still care for her. Will I meet her again when I am dead?

This week, I decided, I am ready to die anytime - when the time comes, I am not afraid anymore. However, now, I just want to give the best to papa. Whatever that can make him happy!!

Not sure whether I am a good wife or not by doing so, but I will do my best. If Angie can, I can as well. Money can buy a house, but not a home. Money can buy a bed, but not my sleep. For money can never buy the hapiness I want to be with papa, darling, sisters and family and baby Tylia. I can assure that. I chose to get happiness.

So hurt

What can be worst, besides loosing a mother?

I had even more than that. Besides hoping my dear husband to be by my side that very moment, he chose not to call me, and what worst is, he put up a posting in forum - seeking for opinion - and what hurt me the most is, saying we need nothing to help mummy!! How on earth one will do nothing? I don't have to tell anyone what I have done. I don't have to!!

Darling said that's what he felt that moment. Its ok. But ....please .... please do not put that up in public!!! Only God knows how I feel at that moment, I am already so weak and my heart torn into pieces loosing mummy, darling please!!

Anyway, I don't have the energy to argue about this, so I decided to forgive him. This is not my priority now. He has done his best, by coming all the way back from Istanbul, to be with me and family and mummy. I am thankful for that. Trust me, when you are in that situation, only family matters.

For every nite, since mummy's passing, I have been crying terribly before I sleep. Not that I want it, it just came - except on Tuesday, when I was so angry about the posting.

Sometimes, I know, I ignore the one I loved around me. But deep inside, I am not.

Last 2 weeks, I found a picture taken during CNY 2005, where mummy hold my hand when she gave me angpow. The surprise is, I don't know why there's tears in her eyes in that picture, and I never realised it, until last week. I will scan this picture and keep it.

Dearest mummy, may you rest in peace. Amitabha.

Note:
Jieca called me from Germany yesterday, hearing the news. Only in difficult moments, you will know who your true friends are.

Some pictures of Mummy and I (with Papa)

Precious pictures....

My mummy and I, picture took on 20th December 2005 during ROM.

She didn't like this picture, but I love it because we are mother & daughter.

Smiling me with mummy and papa

A happy family picture during my wedding 30-12-2006

The Day Things Are Not The Same Anymore

5th of July 2007 12.30pm - that was the exact time that mummy passed away.

That is the day, i decided to off my HP while in the meeting!! My heart was uneasy, and I on it back at 12.30pm.

I saw 5 missed calls. 1 from Papa, 1 from Ah Ku, 1 from Ling, 1 from SL, 1 from Mei. Ling smsed me like this "Papa called...mummy admitted to KMC...critical...could not get APS..got ysl...act and acb going home now".

I called Ling back, she was crying. I scolded her "cry cry cry for what?". She replied "papa called mummy bo liao".My heart sank. I am lost of words, i am too shocked and i dunno what to do.I cant breathe, and i only know i should called darling in Istanbul. i dont even know what should i do, i don't remember any numbers.

Today, is exactly the 21st day mummy passed away.

I cried everyday. She's my mummy!!! and i will never see her again.

Those who have their mummy with them now, will never understand how I feel. They can only imagine. No matter how deep you imagine, or if you have a dream that your mum passed away, you woke up and cried, saw her - it is not the same trust me.

My dear colleague Azizan and Amer sent me home, I saw Lydia at the Carpark. I remember the secretary of En Zupli was the one who cool me down, and Azlina hugged me tight.

I shivered all the way, not knowing what should i bring home. The handbag i just bought for mummy is no longer usable. The ginseng I bought for her the night before is also pointless now.

While waiting for Soo and SL to fetch Ling and I at home in KJ, tears keep flowing. Yuk Wai called asking me how i feel? How am i supposed to know? I only want to be with her NOW! but i am in KL!!!!

Along the way, papa called twice, asking us where we were, coz the funeral services guys wanted to put her into the coffin before its dark. I kept asking papa to wait, please...."we are in SP"...." we are in Asetar Selatan" only 10 more km to go. Please wait for me...

We reached home 6.45pm, i rushed out from the car, ran, and hugged papa. Perhaps this is the 2nd time I hugged her, after I reached the age of 21. The 1st time was during my wedding on 30th Dec 2007.

Mummy smiling, with a beautiful angel face. I cried terribly. She didnt answered to me when I called her. Fang and Jenny sisters said my tears cannot be dropped on her body, as they have bathed her. I know, she knew we were back, coz she gribbed my hands. I felt it, and i saw 4 drops of fresh blood came out from her hands. Mummy, I love you mummy. This is the letter for you.

I didnt want to loose this sight for her, for I know the guy wanted to put her in the coffin now. I hold her arms, they said again and again my tears cannot be dropped on her. Fine, I stoped crying, but I cant. I used my hand to shed the tears, and i hold her. Papa's hand ....i put it on her too.

This is life, this is an experience everyone who have their parents with them, will face it one day.

Mummy is very lucky that she didnt even suffer when she passed away. She took a deep last breath according to Hoon.

I remember how she looked like in the coffin, and she hugged me on the very night in my dream. I slept at 4am -5am and I dreamt mummy came out from the coffin and hugged me. I know she's there.

There are things that cannot wait for us. Mummy's demise made me realised a lot of things. My heart sank when I saw her bones, the day after the funeral. Words cant say how I feel, it just can't.

I love mummy, and she's our mummy. My mummy.

I love you forever.

She's the strongest person I ever know, who can bear the pain and emotion; my mummy, my best friend, my soul.