The Day Things Are Not The Same Anymore

5th of July 2007 12.30pm - that was the exact time that mummy passed away.

That is the day, i decided to off my HP while in the meeting!! My heart was uneasy, and I on it back at 12.30pm.

I saw 5 missed calls. 1 from Papa, 1 from Ah Ku, 1 from Ling, 1 from SL, 1 from Mei. Ling smsed me like this "Papa called...mummy admitted to KMC...critical...could not get APS..got ysl...act and acb going home now".

I called Ling back, she was crying. I scolded her "cry cry cry for what?". She replied "papa called mummy bo liao".My heart sank. I am lost of words, i am too shocked and i dunno what to do.I cant breathe, and i only know i should called darling in Istanbul. i dont even know what should i do, i don't remember any numbers.

Today, is exactly the 21st day mummy passed away.

I cried everyday. She's my mummy!!! and i will never see her again.

Those who have their mummy with them now, will never understand how I feel. They can only imagine. No matter how deep you imagine, or if you have a dream that your mum passed away, you woke up and cried, saw her - it is not the same trust me.

My dear colleague Azizan and Amer sent me home, I saw Lydia at the Carpark. I remember the secretary of En Zupli was the one who cool me down, and Azlina hugged me tight.

I shivered all the way, not knowing what should i bring home. The handbag i just bought for mummy is no longer usable. The ginseng I bought for her the night before is also pointless now.

While waiting for Soo and SL to fetch Ling and I at home in KJ, tears keep flowing. Yuk Wai called asking me how i feel? How am i supposed to know? I only want to be with her NOW! but i am in KL!!!!

Along the way, papa called twice, asking us where we were, coz the funeral services guys wanted to put her into the coffin before its dark. I kept asking papa to wait, please...."we are in SP"...." we are in Asetar Selatan" only 10 more km to go. Please wait for me...

We reached home 6.45pm, i rushed out from the car, ran, and hugged papa. Perhaps this is the 2nd time I hugged her, after I reached the age of 21. The 1st time was during my wedding on 30th Dec 2007.

Mummy smiling, with a beautiful angel face. I cried terribly. She didnt answered to me when I called her. Fang and Jenny sisters said my tears cannot be dropped on her body, as they have bathed her. I know, she knew we were back, coz she gribbed my hands. I felt it, and i saw 4 drops of fresh blood came out from her hands. Mummy, I love you mummy. This is the letter for you.

I didnt want to loose this sight for her, for I know the guy wanted to put her in the coffin now. I hold her arms, they said again and again my tears cannot be dropped on her. Fine, I stoped crying, but I cant. I used my hand to shed the tears, and i hold her. Papa's hand ....i put it on her too.

This is life, this is an experience everyone who have their parents with them, will face it one day.

Mummy is very lucky that she didnt even suffer when she passed away. She took a deep last breath according to Hoon.

I remember how she looked like in the coffin, and she hugged me on the very night in my dream. I slept at 4am -5am and I dreamt mummy came out from the coffin and hugged me. I know she's there.

There are things that cannot wait for us. Mummy's demise made me realised a lot of things. My heart sank when I saw her bones, the day after the funeral. Words cant say how I feel, it just can't.

I love mummy, and she's our mummy. My mummy.

I love you forever.

She's the strongest person I ever know, who can bear the pain and emotion; my mummy, my best friend, my soul.